Away at the Richmond. No, The Erdington Richmond? Maybe Richmonderdington?

Chaos and carnage was the order of the day. We had people dropping like flies through illness or work and we were working the phones for replacements like a coked up Jordan Belfort. After a few positive answers and a few negative we arrived at their green with the possibility of having to use the highly contentious double up rule. Chris Greenhill volunteered to double up, partly because he knew what the spread was like at home and really had his eye on the sausage rolls and partly because we wanted to see if it was possible for him to turn into the incredible shouty sulk twice in an afternoon. Luckily, a volunteer sprung forth, or more accurately was dragged off a passing 957, and we were saved. Unfortunately for the Richmond this did mean Chris was clear to devour their apple pies and drink the double cream in between his plates of sarnies. As it happened with so many people out over these two weekends we had to double up in the rearranged game on the Sunday anyway, but it is something we are more than keen to avoid if possible.

Larry and Jp left early so they could get settled in with plenty of time before the game, and as I was leaving it became obvious I was leading a team of halfwits and would need to lead a procession of 4 cars( Chris was at this stage still doubling up and we had supporters). As I was the only one who hadn’t been there before, this seemed potentially problematic. Savo was in the convoy and had missed a vital turn so missed half the roll up. More worryingly JP and Larry missed nearly all the roll up after driving past the place 3 times, slavishly following the sat nav that was intimating the green was a mile away from where it was. We resorted to guiding them home via mobile which proved difficult. “What can you see in front of you Larry?” “ Cars” “Are there any landmarks nearby?” “there are some buildings” “what road are you on?” “f*** knows it’s a bendy one near a park” thank god they can’t see your eyes rolling on a phone. An hour after setting out they arrived and managed to squeeze in a few ends before the roll up ended.

Forewarned with a rough idea where the Richmond would place their players I set out my plan! This was scuppered in seconds as Mick told me they had a few out and some had to gone on first. This was welcome news as we were without a couple of players and are still a side of walking wounded and the fit ones we have aren’t all there.

I went first on Against John Hutt who bowled it really well and took advantage of my slightly distracted state as I looked nervously for UFO’s and tried to block out the memory of a thousand probes to my delicate area. I couldn’t get a run anywhere on the green and john closed out the game 21-15.

Chris Greenhill was up next, retaining his position up front even though he could now stay for the duration. At 8 nil down and the veins in his neck bulging I was wishing we had come with 11. Scotty pulled his Black Widow duty to The Hulk of Chris and some calm words and a hand stroke and the beast was subdued. Chris Managed to buck his idea up and beat Ivy to 12. It has now become apparent I can’t put Scott and Chris on at the same time as Scott is the world’s first "Chris whisperer". Scott did try Horse Whispering but found it only works on animals with a lower IQ.

Larry was another who started slowly, possibly because he missed 9/10ths of his role up, but eventually dropped on a length and finished his game with Meryl who had by this time stopped her earlier marauding and won 11.

Dave Hosgood paired off against ex Sheldon Team Mate Bob Bastock and in truth never found his form at all. The Wiz was More Whizz as he was off the green in the shake of Muffits tale scoring 4.

So after a four in the first four we were four down and time for the less fashionable players in the middle four to dig us out of a whole.

Wiggy returned to winning ways Beating Neil Billingsley 10. It has been a long time since I have felt able to insult Wiggy as his epic run of losses had made me feel quite guilty for taking the proverbial from the poor harmless and brainless fella. Now he has won though all bets are off and he is going to get a merciless mauling.

Due to the general low quality of Wiggy’s play and his unceasing wiggyness having a detrimental effect on my health and the quality of the team I knew I had to do something drastic. I had to Take Wiggy out of the equation but needed a replacement. Someone who the club would accept overlooking the little difference and learn to accept this as Graham, just a slightly less annoying version who can win the odd game. I searched low and I searched high. I trawled the far flung bowls leagues from Heath Town to willenhall, from the Erdington league to the Chinese Taipei league. Try as I might I couldn’t find a bowler bad enough that has a more bearable version of the Wiggly traits. Suddenly it hit me like a Wiggins strike! Okay, it missed me by a yard but I still got the gist of an idea. Wiggy is no good so I’ll get a non-bowler who reminds me of a more palatable Wiggy and teach him to bowl.

Despite his rampant narcissistic nature wiggly still has 4 allies in the club so I had to be careful they didn’t suspect anything. I tricked Wiggy into putting on an iron mask by promising him it was a new facial treatment from L’Oréal and imprisoned him in the perpetually flooding ladies toilet. In case anyone went in I informed the club that we were renting the toilet out to David Blane for his new stunt and no one was to go poking around. My new Wiggy showed up to watch during the rearranged game on Sunday. I was a bit nervous but I have to say Sid Little was the perfect choice: plain, vaguely annoying, completely unfunny but with a sympathetic quality, or is that a pathetic quality I can’t really decide.

In order to carry off the disguise Sid stood next to the players who get most annoyed by the watering off the green and announced how he had come down in the night to put the water on during the worst storm at the Olton of the year. As usual, steam was coming out of peoples ears and much ranting was going on. Sid Gave me a little wink and slinked off into the back ground. I called Sid to express my pleasure with his performance but had to remind him to act a little Less manly than usual as Wiggy hasn’t got Sid’s animal magnetism. I also asked him if he could inject a bit more femininity in his walk.

Meanwhile Wiggy had tried to find favour with a family of rats that nest in the toilets and while he was making headway with the youngest the parents didn’t want their children associating with such a strange creature. After he tried watering the Ladies Toilets while it was still flooded - remember Olton’s Biggest storm in decades? - the rats moved in with Gilly for a better class of conversation and a better smell. Wiggly didn’t go without though as he found Dave Lowe's new secret stash of cider in the cistern of the second toilet.

As the week rumbled on Wiggs allies were starting to notice the change in their friend as he was generally more pleasant, spoke about other things than wiggy and also seemed to start showing an increased and irrational loathing for not very funny funny man Eddie Large. Scotthos had said while in the men’s reading the Telegraph he thought he could make out an SOS Being tapped on the pipes but had previously put it down to the age of the plumbing. Killermiss had noted less competition from this Wiggy at the Buffet, Savos moaned the green wasn’t quick enough and J’Acktagnan said he received a text from Wiggy saying Craggers had trapped him in the ladies toilets. The scales finally dropped from the musketeers eyes (see, this would eventually come back to the Man in the Irton Mask! Ed) when the imposter went 18-9 up at the Colebrook. Despite Sid’s frantic efforts to lose he eventually won 21-18 and the jig was up. The four Sh*ts plotted for days, planning an elaborate coup d’état that would allow Wiggy out of him mask and imprisonment to take over command of this ramshackle outfit at my expense. After many hours of putting their heads together there was a spark of an idea that included the council, Solihull police, a lock smith, two strippers, an episode of 30 minute makeover and local celebs Jeremy bates and Lucy Davis. Fortunately for all involved especially Jeremy bates who was dressed in drag and given the job of keeping me occupied for a few hours while Lucy Davis played tennis Sid couldn’t continue the façade anymore. He went down to the club to let Wiggins out, apologised profusely and borrowed his woods. I am giving you a tip now if William hill will take it put a tenner on the headline Deadie Large:Unfunny fat comic found dead choked on a bowl in bizarre sex game, Sid missing presumed boring.


John Price played Mary Everill and while Mary played some good shots John never really hit the heights of recent weeks and was probably showing fatigue from the hour plus drive around Erdington. The Journey included 3 visits to the high street, a drive up and down the slides at Pype Hayes park, a visit to the underground car park at the Fort and having to listen to whatever oddness Was booming out from the Lambs Stereo. After having the dubious honour of having to go to Erdington high street a few times with work I can sympathise with JP and fully understand why he looked jaded and depressed, the fact he could bowl at all after such a journey is a miracle. John came of winning to 13.

Richie was up against ex-team mate Paul Plimmer and started strongly before Paul Showed his pluck coming back strongly to finish with 17. It is never fun pPlaying friends and I know this wasn’t an enjoyable experience for Richie there was however plenty of cheese and onion on the buffet so at least he got fed.

At this point your hero, your Idol, your sex symbol won the card. All hail me!!

Steve Myatt had gotten a bad draw picking on form Paul Freeth. Steve wasn’t alone in thinking double figures at this point would be a good card. but Steve though had one of his Messiah Days and will feel a pinch of disappointment he didn’t pick up the W. In what was a quality game from start to finish Steve held his own when the Richmond were looking for a big card. Steve finished with 17 and robbed the Richmond of the forward momentum they needed.

After 8 we were 15 up.

Bucko took on Gladys at nine and for 3 qtrs of the match traded shots. Once Bucko settled and held the block for a couple of ends though his weight gained consistency and his card was never in doubt as he ran out winning to 13 and putting us 23 up.

The last 3 had a hard job. Savo hasn’t been playing much recently and came in as a very late replacement Against Mick Everill. Jack was on 11 and while the draw wasn’t overly terrible to him it isn’t jacks kind of green and is learning the art of bowling in the back four. Scotty our resident 12 had drawn the legend that is Tony Freeth and continuing his run of bowling top players nearly every game this year.

With he game as it was the Richmond needed shots early. Mick had got off to a good start but as Jack and Scott went on Savo had started to draw level. With Jack on 11 and Scott bowling brilliantly to take 9-3 lead over Freethy and Savo on 17 we only needed a few shots more. The game slowed to a crawl as Freethy had started finding his rhythm and the bits he had watered and Jack was having a rough patch and Savo’s game was going at an end every five minutes. Jack asked Scotty for words of Wisdom and he imparted exactly what I was thinking - slow the game down and see how Sav Finishes. The next end Scotty played in a real un as Sav continued his move to victory and that was the game won. Savo came off winning to 13 Jack got to the last end but fell short on 20 and Freethy 12 ends to late found a really tricky mark to secure his win over scotty to 11.

The Back four added another 5 to the total to secure a win to 20. With both sides weakened we would have liked the difference to be a little higher, but considering at half one we didn’t even have a full side and the travel palaver 20 wasn’t too bad especially considering the bad start we had. It does seem though me losing inspires the team to be better. Maybe that is my new plan.

The B side who were really down to bare bones came through beating the drakes drum who stole a 1 shot victory on the tavern last year. Then followed that up with another home win in the rearranged Game against Sutton park to complete a successful weekend.