Out of hibernation and the bear has a sore head

And so the fixtures are out………

 

 

A post on facebook from Matt Ryan teasing newbie division one star Simon Totten confirmed the fixtures were out and my fingers moved with the speed of Roy Castle's tippy tappy feet, navigating the endless options on my new note 4 with a speed and dexterity not seen since Hugh Jackman hacked in to something to see Halle berry’s breasts in the film swordfish. Well that's what I remember the plot to be about but I could be wrong.

 

A quick search and the first home game crops up on my screen in only 7 Saturdays we will be hosting Hall green and two weeks later we welcome the White Hart. A cursory scan through the other games shows me we have the two teams promoted with us in the first half of the season and thankfully there are now two divisions between us and the Raven, so we don’t have to worry about that delight.

 

The last game is at home and if it turns out to be pivotal we will need to give a good Olton shoeing to the Banbury. On the 27th Jun Jack Savage will be booking a holiday or bowling in the B as we can’t risk taking him to Hockley heath. I saw the carnage over two games last year and wouldn’t wish such horror on anyone even if they bowl for the Raven. Kings Norton’s finest gap toothed bowler Dan Bowater will go into hiding mid august to avoid having to match up against one of his heroes in the Chuckles. The end of may will feature a battle with the new up and coming team in boldmere and there ex county stars while Wiggly will have to wait a long time until he gets to upset the ward end social.  

 

A new adventure in four awaits some familiar teams and some brand new teams to me at least. All I can promise is ill pick what I think is my best side and give everyone the support and encouragement they deserve. Make no mistake though this is a step up and will need better performances by all if we are to be successful. There will be no sleep walking through games as we did at times last year. It’s time to role your sleeves up and start showing me your moves.

 

I then checked to see if the Alliance side had a full fixture list this year and was delighted to find not only was it full season but we had gained promotion via some back door to Division 2. This is great news as not only will there be more games for our expanding squad but a higher standard for our boys and girls to prove themselves in. With our best 12 out I think we were the best side in the division last year, this year we are going to need everyone playing as much as possible. If your are  on of our club members reading this and are waveringabout whether to play this year or you are a lapsed bowler looking for a new challenge  give me a call  let me convince you that this is the place to be.

 

On a personal note the Chuckles returned to The Tony Padgett open at Cradley yesterday. After some years away from playing in competitions it was refreshing to get a few bowlers involved in doubles comps at the end of the year and I want to encourage more and especially our younger bowlers to get involved with a few comps. They help broaden your horizon and improve your bowling - I might not have to drop you as much if you do. 

Its always a fun competition having met and made a lot of friends at the club over the years of playing in the West Brom and Dudley leagues it is also a sobering experience playing for a cup named after a man who we regularly competed against, a man who meant so much to his family, teams and the wider bowling area. Each year we lose people who have given so much to the game as players and administrators, it is rarely possible to replace these people and have the impact they had for the better on all our bowling lives. It is easy to forget this when the league or club runs so well and we have all been guilty of taking things for granted. Please try to give as much help to officials as you can, support your club andcommittee by keeping things tidy, attending events and playing where you are picked. Most importantly though, don’t moan about my performance on committee or selection.

With the weather throwing what I hope is the last of winter at us, we wrapped up warm and took the short trip to Cradley. The green was wet but considering the time of year and the recent weather bowled really well. Scotty was the first to the green against a top level Shropshire player and found a good weight on the longer marks to finish winning 17. While happy with the performance the thought of battling through another game with man flue wasn't an exciting prospect.

My first game was against tony Moore from the RABL, which I won after a nip and tuck game to 18.

The rewards for our first round exploits were top ladies well actually top anything bowler Lynn Pritchett for Scotty and ex county star and multiple merit winner John Evans for me.  Scotty started like an ill man while Lynn was on fire but Scotty showed his mettle fighting back to challenge before succumbing  to Lynn's consistent brilliance 15-21.

Against John  I had a slow start and was always chasing the game until a good run put me level but a couple of loose ends and it was over 16-21. Super supporter and new division one starlet Simon Totten was suitably  impressed but he is an Albion supporter so you have to take it with a pinch of salt.

Lynn went on to qualify beating Simon Clinton in the qualifier and John Evans lost to bowls superstar Callum Wraight. With Warwick and Worcester county stars Tom and John Palmer qualifying on the afternoon it goes to show the quality of these comps. I would encourage our players especially the younger ones to start putting their names in the hat, it's wonderful experience and you get to meet some great people.

Thanks to Mandy and all our friends at Cradley for providing such a fun friendly and quality competition for all.

Interviews part 2 - The team Bear.

There was so much text in the last post that I have decided to split this one and anymore that come in separately.


So, this is my response. Any offence caused is purely deliberate

1) What is your favourite green to play on (this can be with the worlds sweetheart Craig Or Not)?

Within the confines of the Warwick and Worcester I'd say Kings Norton or Tanworth. Further afield though I played a few times on a Civil Service Sports Club green in Telford (Coddon i believe it was called) and what a great green that was.

2) Apart from the first time you were captained By Craig, what has been your best moment in bowls?

My proudest moment in Bowls was watching Craig virtually single-handedly keep Kings Norton BC in existence a few years ago. Seeing him captain a side in division one in which i was probably one of the better players was quite something!!

For myself, however, i remember talking to some of the members at the Olton some 20 Years ago, and being scorned and laughed at when I said i'd like to play in Division One at some stage. Well, I did, so there!



3) Best team you have played in (it doesn’t have to feature the great one Craggers, but we will know it's a lie if it doesn’t)?

Bob Binnion, Terry Moss, Jack Badham, Chris Baker, Ian Ball, Roy Wootton, Sue Dunkley, Tony Smith, Stuart O'Sullivan, Matt Ryan, Mark Rose, Scott Taylor - Kings Norton BC, promoted from Warwick and Worcester Division 2 2008(?)

4) Apart from your beloved and esteemed captain Craggers, who is the best bowler you have played with?

I've been very lucky to play in sides with some very, very good players in them - Matt Price, Terry Meddings, Jack Badham, Steve Wallace, Anthony Bracken, Richie Dingley to name a few - but for consistency and all round game I would say Terry Moss. The man is a force of nature.

5) Apart from any game you have played that hasn’t featured the worlds greatest person Craig Taylor, what is your worst moment in bowls?

Surprisingly there haven't been all that many worst moments. I've been lucky enough to play and lose to some great bowlers from several counties and its all been a great experience. The worst times are generally when i'm watching team mates who are struggling and - apart from abusing their tormentors and starting fights - there is nothing I can do to help.

To give a proper answer though, I would say the day Kings Norton got relegated from Division One a few years ago. We lost at KGV on the last day to condemn us, and as much as I respect the King George guys they were taking Championship winning photos and celebrating on the green before our last man had even put his woods in his bag. A very sobering day.

6) What is your funniest bowls story that doesn’t show your hero Craggers up in a bad light?

I could write a book about this and its taken me an age to think of something that really stands out, but I'll pick a tale that probably sums up my 10 years at The Bell. Before most games we all used to gather in the corner where the path reaches into the green (picture below) and discuss philosophical and political events. A very good friend of mine, Mr Steve Duggins (who we had the great pleasure to see a few times this season) and I were discussing the dilemma of determinism when we had reached an impasse. Whilst Phil Brookes and I were positing the opinion held by David Hume in his 1739 book "A Treatise of Human Nature", Duggo was in agreement with Med that the Mild was crap. Steve being Steve decided that a bet was appropriate, so put out his hand ready to catch the spit to formalise the deal. Unfortunately for me he missed his hand completely and spat all over my shirt! Needless to say that this led to much polite chuckling and chortling.

7) Who is your second favourite bowler - a long way of course behind the manly and amazingly sexy Craggs?

Whilst playing at The Bell, we were often greeted to a great number of spectators, many of which were retired players. Steve Rogers was a regular visitor, as well as a chap I did not recognise but who was very keen in watching us. One particular home game was drifting away from us a bit and I launched into my trademark flag waving, cajoling and threatening, leaving our spectator so enthralled that he started shouting as well. It turns out that this was Terry Meddings, a former county bowler from The Cock, Bartley Green and Lightwoods Park. He had stopped playing for a number of years, but was interested in starting again. Thus began The Bell's second resurrection, with Terry largely being the driving force. From calling Craig at ungodly hours on Saturday morning to discuss the order to always being the last to leave on a Saturday, drunkenly falling into his taxi to Old Hill, I've never met a bigger personality than Med. He makes me look like a fieldmouse.

8) Apart from getting your hand shaken by your benevolent and superior leader Craggers, what is your biggest personal achievement in bowls.

Winning the West Bromwich Bowling League's single's merit at The Churchfield Tavern. In pouring rain I battled through a full field of 32 bowlers to win the coveted trophy.

Also, qualifying for the Civil Service National Championship at The Waterloo. Craig and I stopped the night before and I prepared like any athlete would. Next morning the tannoy calls me to the green and I'm introduced to my opponent. "Where are you from Son?" he says. "Birmingham, you?" I reply. He wins the toss, turns to me and says "Blackpool" and throws the block full corners. A snappy 7 in a shithole town on a shithole green. No wonder its referred to as West Bromwich by the sea (by me anyway).

9) Crankiest bowler or moment?

Crankiest bowler is also responsible for the crankiest moment. Whilst playing for Kings Norton in the Summit Garage league we had to play in Telford at St Georges, which has a crown more in keeping with a mountain range than a lump of grass. Anyway, Stuart O'Sullivan is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet, but would be in the "Top three barmiest bowlers" category of anyone who'd ever met him. His opponent sent a jack corner to corner, so last bowl of the end, Stu chases it up and runs to the end with his patented "Eye-Eye" shout. To this day I have no idea what he was cheering at, because his bowl had barely got over the crown and he'd ran past it!

Another mad moment was one of the aforementioned Terry Meddings' first games for The Bell. We had journeyed over to Woodfield in Wolverhampton to play, and Terry was on first. At one end, Crain and I looked over and saw Terry's bowls both within a foot of the jack. We were most impressed and told him so very loudly, to which Med replied "They'd be good woods if they were to my ******* jack!", picked up his bowls and walked the 6 yards to where he was two down!

10) What is the Worst green you have had to bowl on, with or without the god like Craig present?

The worst greens aren't the ones with poor surfaces, it's the ones with poor surfaces where the home team positively revel in the sheer crpaness of their facilities. I will forgive The Pavillion's in Kingshurst as their memberships IQ barely breaks 80, so they know not what they do. Step forward then, the Beech Tree Miners Welfare Club in Stourbridge - on the night we played there it had been cut with a Flymo, some weeks before! Pustulent, reprehensible, ghastly, horrendous, deviant and repellent are just some of the words to describe the team. Compared to them the green was like a night out with Naomi Watts with enough money left over for a taxi and a kebab.

We lost (predictably) and Craig and I were very vocal in our disapproval (perhaps more predictably). There is a happy ending though - they turned up for the return game (we were playing for Stourbridge Labour at the time), complained about Ian Ball's legs, complained when I referred to some of their spectators as "scum" and promptly got absolutely bollocked :-)




I'm sorry for the verbosity, but when i got going I take some stopping :-)

The Russell Harty Show

A while ago, Captain Craggers asked some questions on Facebook of our club members. Replies were slow to come in and, if I'm absolutely honest, were rather boring, but I have finally got around to adding them here for your delectation. Apologies for the wall of text, I hope it doesn't crit you for over 9000.




Oh, and these are copied and pasted, so your spelling mistakes are your own.

Craggers

1)What is your favourite green to play on (this can be with the worlds sweetheart Craig Or Not)?
My favourite green ever would probably be Stourbridge labour , a 3 ender with major corners it's a terrible loss to Bowls. Favourite to bowl on currently would be Boldmere St Michaels and I was just getting used to the Kings Norton green
2) Best team you have played in (it doesn’t have to feature the great one Craggers, but we will know it's a lie if it doesn’t )?
The Greville arms Summit winning side around 2008 a side so good even I struggled to get many games 
3) Apart from the first time you were captained By Craig, what has been your best moment in bowls?
Being Promoted to division one for the first time with the Bell, Finishing fourth  the next year in the league in our debut season in one. Captaining the Bell and Kings Norton to Cup Wins.
4) Apart from your beloved and esteemed captain Craggers, who is the best bowler you have played with?
Either Anthony Bracken Or Terry Moss. Brack for Just being consistently amazing and Terry for an immense drive after winning the all England and county caps etc he still refuses to lose into his 70’s
5) Apart from any game you have played that hasn’t featured the worlds greatest person Craig Taylor, what is your worst moment in bowls?
Losing to Kings Norton in the final of the 8 man team for the bell. We needed one more shot for what seemed like hours as we sat huddled around one phone waiting for the result from home. Relegation from 1 a few times and losing the green at Stourbridge labour. Losing the big crown league because West Warwick’s played one short at Home
6) What is your funniest bowls story that doesn’t show your hero Craggers up in a bad light?
So many , reversing over a shopping trolley while Following Carl Niblett around West Bromwich. Steve Duggins Spitting on Scotty, Ian Ball declaring He would never Pick Mick Harper cus he is useless as Mick looks on stunned from behind Ian Bucko bowling under the influence at AGBL. Falling through the fence at the Bell.
7) Who is your second favourite bowler - a long way of course behind the manly and amazingly sexy Craggs?
I have been blessed with some amazing team mates -Terry Meddings was amazing to play with especially after his medicine – Wayne Curran and Matt Ryan Always kept you laughing but I guess my favourite Bowler goes to Nodger never have I seen a player enjoy himself less  while giving everything plus he tried to stop me reacting and starting a mass brawl once.
8 ) Apart from getting your hand shaken by your benevolent and superior leader Craggers, what is your biggest personal achievement in bowls.
Bowls for me is a team game and individual accolades count for Naught but I did win the Olton Saturday senior averages when I was 18. Anytime I bowl a jack and its long enough to be legal.
9) Crankiest bowler or moment ?
The Crankiest Moment was when I saw a gent bowl his rag, it didn’t go very far and I think he sent it the wrong Bias. A fellow once threw his hat on the middle of the crown and jumped up and down on it like the short bald moustachioed villain in the Laurel and hardy movies. Who knew losing to me would be so painful. The Bowls world is choc full of Cranky Bowlers like disco Dave who used a walking stick at the start of the game but was running and stamping woods up by the end. I guess we are all a little bit that way as bowlers  but Trevor Bate , Alan Savage and Pete Watts and Dave Bagnall take some beating as being cranky in the nicest possible way.
10) What is the Worst green you have had to bowl on, with or without the god like Craig present?
The beach tree  would have been better played on an actual beach and  the pavilions is possibly in worse condition than greens like the original Broomfield and West Brom labour that have been abandoned for years.

Bucko

1) I have 2 favourite greens the tavern and the towers.
2) Best team you have played in (it doesn’t have to feature the great one Craggers, but we will know it's a lie if it doesn’t )?
the best team I’ve played in was the valley playing in the 1st 2nd divs amazing days
3) My best moment in bowls I’ve got 2 really, being one game away from the all England merit, and secondly the best game I ever played which was on wcwmc in the semi final of the sat cup against foden, I beat Paul breslin 21-7
4) the best player I’ve ever played has to be Steve Williams at the goodies and player I’ve played against was pinky porter, beat me 3 times, every time I improved mind you 4, 8 12 ha ha fantastic bowler in his day,
5) worst moment in bowls was losing a championship final on the valley 20-21 he won the game with his last wood, it gave me nightmares for weeks ha ha
6) I don't know about funniest bowls story, a crazy one was playing for the valley at home and the game was tight, my game was 20-20 his wood was hanging on the edge of the green and mine was two feet short, I called measures knowing I wasn't on, as they came over his wood fell off the green which I hoped it would, so I won the game 21-20 we won the game by 2 shots and I nearly got my head knocked off lol.
8 ) best achievement again was being one game away from all England
9) crankiest player ever played against has to be the late bob jinks
10) worst green ever played was the s.h.a.g,



Karen


1) Beside Olton it would be Triplex
2) Too many to mention
3)Prescott Manor - Liverpool
4) My Dad
5) Slam dunking myself at Triplex on a rainy day and mossy green
6) When a team member was being pointed at with a pen and they simply snatched it from them and threw it over the hedge - wasn't funny at the time - but it makes me chuckle every time I think of it now.
7)Don't really have favourite or second favourite bowlers.
8)Esselle Welsh Ladies Champion
10) CO-OP

Jacko

1)The Olton tavern (only venue I have ever won a game)
2) Haven't been around long so it has to be this current team
3) Winning my first ever senior game 21-4 after being 4-0 down
4)Best player I've played with in a team has to be Russell Easthope- said I haven't been around much ;)
5) Worst moment in bowls is losing 11 at home to the maggies and then throwing handbags with Graham Wiggins
6) Funniest moment in bowls? Wow erm there's so many - maybe watching Dave Evans bow down and praying to Mecca on club championship day?
7) My favourite bowler to watch is probably Richie Dingley or Paul Buckley, close call
8) Club champion 2012? Sheltered life I live!
9) Crankiest moment has to be the last 4 at the raven, no more needs to be said
10 )Worst green? That one at the back of the church on a Thursday evening cut with a flymo, that bad I don't even remember the name. Wow

Dodge


1)The Sheldon preferably before the houses were built on it with the distinct 1920’s  toilets smell wafting across the green.
2) Snrs class of 2014
4) Richie Dingley waterloo years
5) Losing the cup final to the yew tree on hollyfields due to celebrating reaching the final too much immediately prior to the match.
6) Leaving Alf Powell behind at ansells 2 hours later we realise and return for him he hadn’t noticed we gone
7) Freddie flintoff
8 ) Getting to the food before Chris Greenhill
9) Not getting in for 2 with 12ft of room to draw
10) Tyseley wmc


Wiggly

1) King George V, even if I ain't won on it yet, best surface ever.
2) 1st game back this year. Realised what I had been missing.
3) Got to be team that won Div 5 before this year. Won the league despite having Jack as captain.
4) Russ Easthope, never met anyone that wants to win as much or hate losing as much.
5) Too many this year but shaking a guys hand before the game had finished does still make me cringe.
6) Seeing Gilly fall over in the nettles at Minworth. Still cracks me up - "Lowey help me they've stung me balls" lol
7) Richy Dingley. On his day head and shoulders above everyone else.
8) Sorry guys but going unbeaten and winning the averages was great this season, but it has to be winning on the brookhill my dad old club. Felt like he was telling me where to bowl.
9) Too many to mention. But Colin wrapping tapes around his arm and declaring mark is the best I've seen.
10) The gospel oak ended up losing a bowl in a fox hole.

For those struggling, the original questions are in Craig's responses, and the numbers in the following interviews tally with those.

Amputation

As you can see from The Club Captain's report on the presentation, there was a major injury during the prize giving. With the assistance of The Red Cross, FEMA, The Second Parachute Battalion and a bit of bog roll, disaster was averted.

I must warn you that the following picture is graphic in content and viewer discretion is advised.

It is clear from the photo that the incident was horrific for the following reasons:

1) The wearing of trousers that were purchased from an advert in The Sunday Mercury at £12.99 for two pairs and a free wardrobe tidier

2) Patterned grey socks that, if i'm not mistaken, are hand me ups from Craggers when he was a babby.

3) Tan shoes!! Tan!!! It's not bloody 1974!!!


Fortunately for all, CJ survived this harrowing incident. The Trousers, however, has to be put down.

Presentation Night

As the club did not have a presentation last year it was decided that this year we would do something low key, just to ensure we actually managed to hold one. The venue and format was chosen and skittles at the Highwood was set. It was a good job we did as it was a year of unprecedented success and unbridled harmony and that was something that needed celebrating together. As always, ticket sales were slow until the week before the event when suddenly everyone came out of the woodwork all clammering to see what wonderful and stylish outfit I would arrive in. Despite some misgivings about the venue from some of the younger hipper members of the club a good turnout was secured.



The preparation started in Earnest when the chuckles bought raffle prizes. The chuckles have a long history of great raffle prizes - from DVD players and MP3 players to exotic drinks or Anne Summers vouchers - you get no cheap wine and stale biscuits from the chuckles. The other raffle tradition we have is for is winning our own prizes back and I was hoping this would be a trend that would continue tonight.

After a quick drink at the Olton and a look at the progress the green is making, I gathered up the raffle prizes and my bag of special awards and headed to the Highwood. The prizes and trophies were arranged and Scotty went up the bar to order a couple of milds. 30 seconds later Scott went ashen as the barmaid declared the round as £6.60! Thankfully she just wasn't the sharpest tool in the box and that was his change. With the pricing sorted and relieved I wasn’t on the water for the rest of the evening we hit the quiz machine. It must have been a case of too many cooks spoil the broth and the mild being rather strong as the chuckles plus jack, cat and JP got as many questions right as the first one voted of a weakest link does.



The pairs for the skittles were drawn and it all started well with skittles being knocked down left right and centre and the team of Killer and your Captain took an early lead. Due to the excessive alcohol intake by the second round gaps were being found left right and centre and some people were finding it difficult too hit the lane let alone a skittle. As we went into the break we still held the lead but with the food being served next it was debatable if we would ever see Killer again.



The food saw several visits from Chris and no one has been reported ill yet so that has to go down as a success although we were only seconds away from a blazing saddles like food fight. I felt like Hedley Lamar as I returned from the little boy’s room to have an egg sandwich whistle past my ear.



A hush came over the room and it was presentation time. Steve Myatt was doing the MC duties and CJ was a less than impressive Dolly dealer even managing to walk into the skittle alley that he had been playing on for the hour previous. He let out a girly like shriek, dropped the trophy while letting loose a barrage of expletives, claiming his leg had been sheared off by a large wooden splinter and generally making out like he had trodden on a land mine. The damage was latter photographed. Unfortunately the skittle alley didn't come of as well and was survived by 9 pins and 3 balls.

Highlights of the presentation were the chuckles winning the Ken Hughes doubles, myself winning the Wednesday averages the (hardest to win in the club) the Dodgewana doubles victory and Cat and CJ winning the handicap doubles - CJ being the handicap. Jack won the Thursday averages but as it was Jack we withheld the cup. Jack reacted like rumple stiltskin stamping his foot until it went through the floor and needed six of us to pull his leg out. I was called to the stage to present the 21st cup to a very deserving winner in Karen Burton and my speech unified and enthused everyone in the room into such a religious fervor that I am officially counted as a cult leader. I then presented the special awards, Scotty winning the king of the Taylors trophy, Wiggy winning the 9/10s of a season undefeated hat of luck and a special leaving present was given to Cat in the hope she doesn't forget who we are when she is off on her travels. Congratulations to those who won awards and a big thank you to everyone that played in the teams encouraging and pushing everyone to achieve their best.

A surprise presentation to my self was made for being just as ace as I told everyone I was. The bottle is very much appreciated but I only prodded you all in the right direction - the club had to react in the right way and you should all be proud of yourselves for how far the club has come in 12 months. Me? I am just glad you didn’t all leave me looking like a melon, dick in hand waving it at the enemy on my own.

Raffle time had finally come around and I was feeling lucky but first we had to sit through the Downes' clans unprecedented run of family member ticket drawing. Thankfully for all concerned they didn't make a beeline for my prizes. With Pete Greenhill taking the picture of a turkey (I can’t wait for the reaction when he realises its just the picture he won and not a turkey) and another guest taking an advent calendar, there was still hope I would come out with a win. Jack got pulled out and he went straight for our Havana club bottle, lime squeezer and pack of limes combo and promptly pulled out my ticket while crashing the Havana, what a legend. I went up to the table to find 10 bottles of wine left and the toffee popcorn vodka and sensations popcorn pack so generously purchased by ourselves earlier in the week. Without hesitation I took the good prize and settled in to watch everyone fight over what is the least worst bottle left to choose. Eventually the raffle drew to a close with pretty much every table winning something so once again a big thanks to all who brought tickets and provided prizes it was a huge success and contributed to the almost £200 pound profit on the night.


The final round of the Skittles was interesting. Balls flew everywhere the odd skittle that was hit were being launched into the air and one reveller who had too much of the free spirits actually sent one ball down Highwood Avenue and into someone’s garden. It was very embarrassing having to knock on the door and ask for my ball back. It all came down to mine and killers last go we needed a combined 11 to win. I got unlucky with my split and ended with a solid seven. Bungee took three down the left hand side with his first and victory was assured, but hold!!! Not so fast - Chris had spied the remains of the buffet and sent his wood down the empty side of the alley while reaching for a sausage role. I tried to stifle my cries but couldn't and gave a strangled yelp of frustration, killers next ball was as terrible his arm had gone to jelly. Thankfully though he hit a kink in the wood and managed to topple a pin with the wind of the wood as it whistled by. We won!! Champions Champions Champions!! I was duly awarded a bottle of wine no one took during the raffle.

All that remained was a game of killer for 50p a go. Lots of big guns went out early and it came down to a shoot out of the Downes clan Sue, Chris and Lisa against the Bell connection of Scotty and Bally. The ladies blinked first before Chris, Scott and Ian went a few rounds without missing. Just as I was getting bored and about to turn the lights out and declare a draw Scott and Ian missed while Chris held his nerve to take the cash.


I hadn't known what to expect but it turned into a really good night we do need to look at what we do with the presentation next year but at the moment i think we should look into having the presentation and organising another skittles night as well.

Thanks to everyone who came and everyone who contributed to making it such a good night. Next Stop Cats leaving do and the Warwick and Worcester presentation.

The Chuckles light up Stockingford

Sportsworld were opening a new shop last Thursday evening and as per the norm the shop was opened by world famous sports direct enthusiast and clothes horse Jamie Carter. This left a space open at the Stockingford Pairs competition and that space was duly filled by the Chuckle brothers.

With the weather set fair we entered the directions into the satnav and were told it should take us 30 mins or thereabouts, but with the road works as they are and rush hour to boot we set out with over an hour to spare. I had gone about 50 yards before I guessed the route the satnav would take us was going to suck. Remembering a rough map I had seen of Nuneaton’s relationship to Birmingham, I decided to wing it. For the next twenty minutes the lady voice was telling me to turn round, her suggestions turning into proclamations to orders and then on to threats but I pressed on undeterred. The traffic heading through Coleshill was problematic, and being stuck in lower whitacre (or some such village) behind a lorry that shared the size and turning circle of the USS Nimitz was a scary experience.

The time was getting on and we were dangerously close to being late but the traffic cleared and we found our way to where the satnav reliably informed me was my destination. Apparently it was well hidden, so we stopped and asked some slack jawed youths who, judging by their answer, had been glue sniffing. We stopped at a nearby school and asked some parents who also appeared to have been glue sniffing. The young daughter of these feckless adults, meanwhile was coming up with a suggestion that the parents adjuged to be rubbish and loudly announced that was a different club. If I am ever lost in Nuneaton again I’m listening to the five year old who just had the bad parents evening report and as it turns out she was spot on. From the adults garbled answer of "hit Wall left turn shops before and bobs your uncle aye lad" we cobbled together some kind of plan. We turned at the wall before the shops and there it was behind a 10ft locked gate that was patrolled by East German soldiers with vicious yapping German Sheppard’s. We decided discretion was the better part of valour and turned around and asked a few more Yokels if there was an alternative entrance. It was at this point we started to believe that our Birmingham to Nuneaton phrase book must have been misinterpreting phrases like “where are Stockingford allotments” into “my nipples explode with delight” and promptly gave up looking. I dropped Scotty out by the gates and, dodging between the search lights, he bravely made his way over the barbed wire and into the club in time to sign us in. I took one last desperate attempt to find an entrance and was quite disgusted to find it was exactly where the failing school child had suggested it was. Perhaps she is failing at school as she is spending to much time planting spuds, marrows and such like at the allotments.

There were plenty of friendly faces about - the Baldwin Bunch with new superstar finals day performer Mick Tandy, The Moseley mad house were represented by Dave Clarke and Billy Kinchin and The Millers were flying the flag for the Brookhill. The rather clement weather allowed us to settle down with a pint and watch the competition. In the top half of the draw county stars like Mark Burdett, Paul Evans and Craig Barker were entertaining themselves by impersonating the goon show in between the quality bowls. Bill and Dave were on for close to two hours and the Millers lost a very close encounter to a pair that qualified. The Baldwins first pair of Bob Marklew and Emily Kernick also just fell short. Once Bill and Dave had completed their magnum opus of a bowls game we were called to the green to face Tony and Paul Freeth. You drive out of the county and you play someone from a club with roots two minutes walk from our first club. That said, we have bumped into Tony when holidaying in Torquay as well so I suppose these things happen. The game started with both pairs swapping ends before we settled into a rhythm and were holding a commanding lead. Freethy though, playing with one yellow wood and one wood that looked like he found it while rummaging through bomb sites during the blitz, gave it one last big push and pulled a few ends back before falling to the handsome brothers with the cheeky smiles.

The green was still very wet after the battering it has taken this week but was playing quite well and, despite its lack of round pegs, could be quite tricky. With the night drawing in my start time at work fast approaching we went straight on to face a lovely pair from Atleborough. After a decent start and counting 2 Kevin ran the block for four and our opponents flew out into the lead and we were struggling to find the form of the previous game. Something clicked, however, as we stormed back to take a 20 – 19 lead. We went long and with 3 woods left were counting 3 with two woods within a foot. Kevin once again pulled out a pearler, nestling next to the block. The order went up (From where I was it was more like a Magnus Pike lookalike had entered the green and was trying to flag down a bus- Ed) and Scotty duly obliged, running the block to leave us game on with the jack an inch from the edge and our closest bowl within two foot. Kevin though had been excellent all nigh and once again bowled the perfect wood to take it to twenty across. Unfortunately they took the one they needed on the last end with a very cluttered end that never really opened up to allow us a shot. Congratulations to all the qualifiers and I hope the finals day goes well thanks to Carol for running another great comp and to all at Stockingford for there hospitality - we shall see you next year even if you are a villa club. The Journey home proved very disconcerting as we came a completely different route and drove in what appeared to be a straight line home taking twenty minutes and bringing us home via the other side of the A45. Directions have never been my forte but at this minute i have no idea which way I'm facing.

There is an art to bowls teas - from the highs of the College and their roasties and Bournville with their bangers, down to the Penn offering on a Wednesday night of six sandwiches’ and half a scotch egg (which Ian Ball promptly devoured, thimking it was an individual serving) or one of Kenny Everett’s legendary Pigeon Curries. There is a charm to the good old fashioned bowls tea and great delight can be taken from any offering no matter how meagre. I recently had the pleasure of a sit down chat with the baronet of the buffet Chris Greenhill. For a small fee, and with editorial veto granted under threat of physical violence, Chris shared his thoughts on etiquette and on what makes a good buffet, his favourite items of snap and tuck and if those two words along with scram are ever sociably acceptable (They are not. Ever. Absolutely never - Ed).

What was the best away day for tea this year?

It may surprise you but my favourite, apart from a wasted journey, a personal hammering and a mini riot, was the pheasant. Not only did i get fed twice but the second of the meetings had a bit of an edge to it and as it was a Sunday not many people came in for the tea. I managed a record six and a half sittings munching threw a whole chicken, half a pig , a large tray of sandwiches and more cakes than Kipling can throw out in a week.



What was your least satisfying tea of the year?


The final home tea was a disgrace. Nothing wrong with the idea of sausages and burgers with chips but good lord, there were more buns than burgers and sausage ,no finger roles, no onions, the chips were cold and the burgers 100 for a quid from Poundland - they were made using real sawdust none of your cheap stuff. The look on their face when we asked for sauce was amazing. I didn't even go up for thirds this time.

Any honorable mentions?

The Queslett served up a chicken curry or bolognaise or something that was meaty, it was okay i suppose but the fact they brought out a veggie platter for the odd veggie we have in the club was a nice touch. I asked the Olton to do this after sausage and burger gate but they assured me there was more meat in the chips than the burgers.

What should make up a bowls tea?

Well first of all get rid of that green shit - salad i think it's called. It has no place on my plate or sitting in a buffet like a land mine waiting to go off in your mouth. To be honest what goes into a buffet is only of a mild concern to me as long as i get to keep picking at it at 6 plates an hour until about 8 o'clock. Sandwiches are good, but no egg and not a massive fan of salmon. Any pork based product that doesn't have an egg in the middle cant be bad. Chips, fries, crisps, croquet's, chicken skewers, chicken nuggets, chicken strips, black pudding, pigs blood, angels on horseback, devils on horseback, a horses back, pigs in blankets, devils in blankets, blankets covered in sauce, duck, spring roles, samosas, pakora, kebabs - sheesh and sharmi, kofka's, a cheese board, bread and cake of all varieties. Bang it all on just keep it coming - Wallop.

A wafer thin mint perhaps to finish?

God yes I'm never stuffed me. Make it a packet.

What do you think of your nickname that came from your prodigious tea eating?

You can call me anything just don't call me late for the tea.

Can any other word be used to describe the said food after a bowls game.

I love the word tuck, and snap is an aural delight. I have asked the committee if we can get it formally changed to the bowling snap tucker for tea and tuck with scram for afters.


From the Chris Greenhill archives, here he is with an appetizer from illustrious Michelin starred  restaurant Kings - open till 3am on Sunday mornings peeps

Egypt here we come!

The Olton took a trip to Giza for the Sphinx open doubles and a look around the statue. I guess my suspicions should have been aroused when the satnav told me it would take 30 mins and I had to drive past my office to get there, but I was still hopeful if astounded something so famous and hot looking was so local.

Arriving At the venue I realised I was still in Coventry and despite the sun shining and the warm welcome everything still had the strange grey tint that hangs around the city.

With the realisation it wasn’t in the sub Sahara, we headed to the bar for some very reasonably priced beverages , and settled down to watch the games and try and pick up some ideas of how the green plays. At 14-4 against and Scotty keeping the score down it appeared I hadn’t learnt much , but a decent spell on top of the crown brought us back into the game and sitting 3 to draw level momentum seemed to be with us. Doubles is a fickle mistress though and a wick of an errant bowl dashed our hopes and sent us back to the bar.

Off the green The Sphinx and Carol did such a good and friendly Job we ended up going Back on Thursday to watch Stroker and Stroker play. There still wasn’t an actual sphinx but the welcome was just as warm and we had an unparalled win ratio on the tombola. Savo winning two prizes and Scotty won a third and boy these were not your average run of the mill kind of prizes either. Jack, who was sporting a knocked off ladies handbag and new bouffant further showed the generation or species gap at the Olton by wondering round muttering worldy a lot and wearing Savs first prize neckless.

I have no clue what the boy is on about half the time and looking around the university where I work I realise they are all the bloody same. Meanwhile Savo continues his metamorphosis into Bob Horn by bemoaning that everything in the world is rubbish - he probably would have said the great Sphinx of Giza was rubbish had it sprouted from beneath the disused green singing the bangles hit that wasn’t about Mondays.

Jack and Wiggly drew the Baldwin pair of Spindle and Jim Kernick, with neither team having an advantage on green knowledge the game settled into a pattern of straight marks early on with Spin and Jim taking the lead before a spirited fight back From the Olton boys plucky and lucky. Two Bad ends or some misfortune swung the game in the favour of the Baldwin team whose supporters would have looked much more at home than me carrying Jacks bag around.

The bowls wasn’t a huge success but it was good experience and nice to get out and about catch up with the bowls gossip and try in vain to understand the sexually confused left handed youngsters of today.

I scored more than you

Yes it's true, its Damn true check out the WWCBA and you will find that yours truly, your beloved leader, star player, benevolent captain and Olton pin up boy scored more shots for his team than any player, not just in the divison but the whole of the Warwick and Worcester. I left closest challenger Ant Bracken eating my dust a massive whole shot back on 447.

448 that is a big number I know and its hard for you pencil neck geeks to visualise the size of my achievement so let me help you. It is the amount of beans in 6 cans, its the amount of wine gums in a large tin and the amount of grains of sand in a very small egg timer. The number 448 is also significant in history and popular culture.

Year 448 (CDXLIII) was a leap year that started on a Thursday of Julians Calender. At the time, it was known as the Year of the Consulship of Praetextatus and Zeno. Just think about that for a moment, the year of Praetextus and Zeno - that is heavy stuff that even Scott may not know about (Yes, Yes I did - Ed).

448 Was also a classic episode of the Bill. It was episode 71 that was shown during its 22nd season. DC Perkins is asked to supervise an ex-con, and PC Hemmingway deals with a boy bullying a homeless man. Meanwhile, PCs Noble and Hollis are called to deal with a drunk man at hospital, only to realize that it's troubled PC Valentine. I remember vividly the look on Reg's Face when he discovered it was Valentine that had just hurled in his helmet. Great stuff.

It is also the most fiendish of candy crush levels that I am sure none of you have managed to reach. It's okay though only the best can be 448.

As you can see from the photo, I have been awarded many awards from numerous bodies that award awards.