TWTWTW

This post is not brought to you by Ned Sherrin, there will be no David Frost, no Millicent Martin, Roy Kinnear or Willie f’n Ruston. This post will not go better with Coke. This post will not fight the germs that may cause bad breath. This post will not put you in the driver's seat. This post will not be televised.

This post is all about the odd week I have endured on the bowls front.

Monday – a long trip to Nordley Liberals as our friends at Woodfield were short. What a delight - the green was in gorgeous condition and was rapid. The side had four winners of which I was one and just ducked out but a good effort against a strong outfit. The orange chip butties were also a bonus. I won and Savo didn’t play.

Tuesday - I arrived at the Pavilions, a green that saw 5 of the side book holidays to avoid ever having to go there. Even the captain for the evening booked himself into a plush A&E unit to avoid it. It was, as expected, a horrendous night of bowls, woods everywhere, torrential rain, measurers' disappearing, Savo winning and me having to run another side until Captain killer arrived to stand manfully in just his shirt showing of his newly acquired Wi-Fi sign scar. Its not quite Harry potters scar Chris. I won by the way

Wednesday – At home on the newly cut Olton tavern another night of captaincy filling in for the Wig. As I was replacing Wiggly I did a very Wiggy captaincy job, not writing cards, not giving cards out, not measuring, barely noticing there was a game on and generally not a *swearword deleted* was given. I struggled against a bowler playing very well but got home in the end. Sav won and promptly complained about marking my card for two nights in a row as apparently my games were shocking. Its a good job he didn’t mark Monday's.

Thursday – With no B team captain I picked two sides, only making a complete balls up of it all. I had planned to captain both sides simultaneously but decided Cat's strict authoritarian streak would do a better job at home. So I took a trip to the lovely bunch at Woodlands where tea and biscuits were available for all. One of their ladies did complain they were Aldi biscuits and she would prefer Waitrose but that was the closest you could ever get to an incident at such a pleasant place. Green was as heavy as lead though. Savo, now plus 1000 for the week, refused to mark my card as short bowls once again blighted my victory. Karen complained about marking my card and called the game shocking, I thought she was conspiring with Sav until the opposition card marker said the same. To top it all off I was then heckled by someone on the top deck of the 11 that passed by. “Shocking” he shouted. I felt like Darryl strawberry in the Simpsons.

Friday – No bowls yahoo but at work I took a short walk to our HR office to pick up some papers. It was about 10:30 in the morning and on my travels I found a girl asleep on a settee. A boy of about 15 being asked by a pensioner who could barely walk to go buy him alcohol from the offy. A school teacher accompanying a group of junior school children on a trip with her fingers rammed in her ears and humming La Marseillaise. Coventry really is a cranky place but working at a UNI in the summer does have the occasional shapely perk. So far today no one has told me I am shocking, still time yet though.