April fools day, weather they sang about in bambi and everyone being
as criminally undercooked as the omelletes on that insidious, insipid
and inadequate Saturday Kitchen. Christ, the Egg jokes on there make
even my most hackneyed of efforts look cutting edge. Compared to that show I'm like
one of those new comedians like Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Bill
Hicks or even Colin taylor with a wood in his hand.
It was a big day for the Olton. We had a terrible start to last
season and with the Broomfield being a strong, experienced side and the
dreaded first game at home draw it was looking like a tricky afternoon. In
truth the game never really got going and despite a really good win
for us the atmosphere, whilst happy like Russ Abbotts masterpiece
was also decidedly flat like Russ Abbots singing. There were a lot of
good bowlers on show for both sides but save for a few standouts for
both teams most of the bowling ranged from meh to terrible. With six of the
first nine winners including two 7’s and an 8 the game was done but
the Broomfield's excellent last 3 performances brought a hint of
tension into things. Standing out for the Olton was a spell of leading
from Richie that echoed his glory days and Cat played out Game of the
Day against Helen Williams. The result has made it easier for me to
say what a pleasure it was to get reacquainted with the Broomfield
boys, many of whom I have known for nearly 20 years now but hadn’t
played against for 6 or 7 years. The day was so friendly and
enjoyable I think even Dan Chilton smiled.
I have had many email enquiries from members, fans and the general
public who are all slavering over titbits of info I drop from the
table. Both of them have asked; "Mr Craig, would you like to help an
african prince store his money offshore" my answer is always yes, yes
i would. I then ask if they would like regular updates about the Olton Tavern? They
never respond but just in case they are reading here is the news, film
at 11. Wiggy has a new beard. Well we thought it was a beard but some
strange things have been happening with Wiggy recently. Previously,
Wiggy had an IQ akin to Fry from Futurama or Stan Laural but recently
he has made a tremendous leap. He can work out how much change he gets
from a fiver for a beer and he can even now mark a card on his own
without taking his shoes and socks off. He has gone from a 20 watt
super energy efficient bulb to a 40 watt bulb. What is behind this
wonderful explosion of intelligence quotient? It turns out the beard
isn’t a beard but a parasitic life form from another planet that
attaches it self to your chin and controls its host. The only downside
is it happens to look like a 14 year olds attempt at facial hair. The
parasite is called Pruik and is reasonably charming, he may well be
sucking Wiggys lifeforce but hey ho! the parasite can bowl and as long
as we keep him away from the barley wine he is much less argumentative
so it's a win win.
In quick news from around the club, Donald trump has tweeted his belief that stories of my receeding hairline are fake news, its not
receding or retreating just beating a tactical withdrawal.
Miffed he never gets to hear the words “well bowled Chris”, killer has
persuaded Chris downes to bowl again and will only be on the green
when Chris james and Chris downes are also bowling. Reports he applied
for deedpoll name changes for Cat and kiff are unsubstantiated.
Our local Lancashire lad Ian "two sheds" Jackson has promised to stay
longer than an hour at a bowls game at least once this season. Of
bigger concern to me right now is his inability to bowl for more than
30 minutes before losing. if only he was from Yorkshire and could show
some Bob Horn style grit and downright rudeness. And yes, Ian does have two sheds.
The club have slowly, painfully clawed its way in to the 20th century
at a pace akin to that of sadako from the Ring climbing from a well to induce the
releasing of your bowels. We now have a whatsapp group to go with the
facebook, twitter and this blog. We have also purchased a verticutter
to replace the 3 goats and a sheep we used to graze the on the green
last year. If you would like to join the whatsapp group, download the
app and send me your number and I will add you. Please join the Olton
bc facebook group and follow @OTBC21 on twitter. If you can share the
blog the more readers we get the more jokes about you I can make. I
will make you famous.
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