What month is it??

I should have realised something was up. Bright lights whizzing past in the sky, intense heat and light emanating from the shoe cupboard every time I walked past and a strange fixation with molding my mash potato into the shape of bowls or a big top. Yes you guessed it I was either quitting my job to go to clown college or something bizarre was happening involving aliens who play basic tunes on a Bontempi organ. I didn’t pay attention though and I didn’t heed the warnings.



Sometime around 3 weeks ago I was abducted by aliens, taken up to their mother ship and had experiments performed on my fragile mind and body. I was briefly transported to earth to play on a Monday night but on all other days my place was taken by my dopple ganger alien buddy, Squiggy who unfortunately modelled his bowling on Wiggy hence the recent downturn in results.

My memory of what happened to me on the ship is sketchy. I do however remember a ritual and a big headed thin bodied form sat on a flying saucer enchanting "klaatu barada nikto" as some little pig looking men performed several procedures on me. What I also remember was that the space ship looked like badly rendered version of the Starship Enterprise, complete with a Canadian pretending to be Scottish, a drunk doctor, some gruff bumpy headed fella and some pointy eared people. I looked and looked but couldn’t find Marina Sirtiss in an implausibly tight and low cut uniform.

I was left to wonder the ship freely in between anal probes and struck up quite a friendship with an alien that reminded me of Gilly, as all it could say was akkk AKKK AKKK a lot. Thankfully I didn’t have time to learn Dejarik as the Wookies (just typing that word gets a cease and desist email from Lucas arts) big hairy creatures on the ship lose like Chris Greenhill but I did get reasonable at 3D chess and spent hours on the holodeck playing classic bowls matches like Olton v The Raven 1994 and OLTON B V TALLY HO B 1992 (Probably the only game that anyone was actually pleased to see Ted Randall! Ed). It was only after these games and as I was leaving the ship for good did I remember I could do anything I wanted with anyone I wanted and blew the chance to misspend my teenage years a second time.

A friendly Thark sent me on my way, which took a while as I had to shake all his hands, and I awoke with a nasty case of pink eye back in my bed. I looked at the clock it was 1 o clock on Saturday meaning I could still make the Richmond game and put right the damage wreaked by my useless double. Bowling was going to prove difficult as just bending to put my socks on would mean a satellite dish protruding from my rectum and everyone in a 20 yard radius becomes Owl Jolson and launches into “ I like to singa”.