I had never seen the new green before but had heard stories about it being trickier than the last one and also that it would be a fair bit heavier than the quickish Olton last week. In fact only 1 or two of the side had played the new green or even new where the West Warwick’s was, which considering it is very nearly in walking distance is crazy.
While sorting the lifts out, Compo James had dressed in his best vest andad been promised a life by Dave Hosgood but hadn’t come up to the stringent dress code enforced in Dave’s car. Quick as a flash and as if superman exiting a phone box, he left the clubhouse like Compo and came out looking like he was making his Newcastle debut. Wiggly left on his own after everyone refused a lift and some even started walking to avoid five minutes in a car with him.
Parking up you are struck by how good and professional the complex looks. Unfortunately you go up a few steps and then you see the green. There was a deafening thudding sound of Jaws hitting the floor as the only places where the grass wasn’t at least an inch thick were carpeted with luxuriant Moss.
The roll up was disastrous and mostly featured myself, Scotty and Pricey telling people to remain positive. Yes the green was soaking wet, yes it was heavier than lead and yes it bumped more than a jobbing wrestler but we have what we have and we have to make the most of it. The roll up wasn’t a pleasant experience but we did find out a lot more about the green. We found up by the shed there was a nest of snakes that were quite bitey and David Bellamy was nearby to them having a rummage through the undergrowth. Lenny Henry was next to him yelling compost corner (at least it's a step up from the premier inn adds). In the next corner Some POW’s were completing a bridge from Burma and as you come on to the green you had to be careful not to step in front of the camera as Rubbish Ant and Dec were filming vignettes for I’m a celebrity.
I went to do the draw and the news that the West Warwick’s were one short was broken to me. I went back to tell the team and announce I would let them put a blank card anywhere from 1-12 so I didn’t have to choose Bucko to miss out. The draw was complete and I took the long journey hacking through the long grass with a borrowed machete to deliver the news to an unlucky or lucky player. Bucko was the unlucky one to miss out and was instantly inundated with offers to swap.
Starting 21 up gave the game an odd feel because as long as we were up after the first four I had no doubts we would win. The combination of the heat, the malaria, and the pressure of the day suddenly being released and the poor bowling conditions led to a really strange game that unfortunately some didn’t handle that well (I am looking at you Jack and Killer).
Despite having bowls that barely protruded over the Grass, Larry played well to beat the very promising josh Huntley 21-14.
Dave Hosgood put in a sweep winning performance using his natural advantage of height to see over the grass, winning 21-8 while picking fruit from some of the lower hanging branches.
Steve Myatt battled hard on a green that really doesn’t suit his natural game and Graham Holder took advantage winning to 14.
I enjoyed a few rubs in my game but that was okay because no one could see below my waist. A few wicks aided my progress to a 21-13 win over Brian Wetton.
On his way and the car empty, Wiggy attempted to pick up a few hitchhikers for company. Well I say hitch hikers it was actually an old couple minding their own business awaiting a bus to take them and their shopping home. Wiggy Bundled them in the back, shot of at 70 miles an hour cutting up countless cars and having 2 very vocal rows with passers bye. The two old goons got out at the west Warwick’s disorientated and confused - I have still have no idea what CJ and the old girl were doing there he should have been having his roll up at home. Poor friendless Wiggly cut a depressing figure wearing Dexter’s shorts to bowl in. I am not sure how a man can hold his breath so long but a career in free diving beckons. Despite his woods being christened rubbish by spectators, Wig bowled pretty well throughout to win 15.
JP was Up against Andy Taggert and started well briefly threatening another Murder. But Andy found a very tricky mark and led well to it. JP kept him down to singles but couldn’t manage to get the block back and eventually succumbed 21-14.
Bucko got the Bye and after winning a measure on the first end never looked back.
Christopher Greenhill didn’t enjoy his game but I am not sure what gave me that impression as he went about his job in a quiet and stoic manner of which we have become accustomed. Actually he blew a fair bit and let everything get on top of him a little which today for the first time in a while undoubtedly cost him his game, as he struggled up to 15 against an opponent I would have backed him to beat most Saturdays. At one point Chris bellowed "why has that gone over there", a little old lady popped her head out of the bathroom and shouted “ it’s because you sent it there you dopey sod, now let me finish my shat in peace”. Still no fences were hurt and he managed to put that disappointment aside and not eat all of the chicken wings the second they came out of the oven.
Jack was another to need a hug after and during the game as he struggled to put away a lady who was getting some Savage family support. While Chris is an exploder a whirling dervish of language threats and fence panel bashing fists, Jack is more of an implosion man - maniacal laughs glum faces self-mocking applause and knuckle dragging. Jack, when you bowl a bad wood relax smile and just be determined to do better next time and if you don’t smile to yourself in the knowledge you have a lovely girlfriend to go home with while invariably your opponent ( not this one) will be going home to masturbate. I used to use this ploy but it was mostly contenting myself that my trainers were much cooler than theirs.
Yorky has hit the stage of Wiggly earlier in the season where his form has become so bad and worrying I am having to stop the Rotherham insults. He drew Mike Hancock who bowled some masterful stuff to have Yorkie off within the half hour 21-10. Yorkie kept fighting though and pulled out some good stuff. The form will return, you just need to relax a little and let the bowls happen. I am sure a big performance is just round the corner. Or, more pertinently, I hope so coz I have a ton of Yorkshire jokes I am desperate to get out there.
Chris James started like a house on fire and I thought was coming off to 1 or 2 before a late rally had him settling for 21-12.
Scotty bought up the rear and early on had to work hard to keep the score close but as the game wore on he got better and better closing the game out really well winning to 15.
So a comfortable win. Would we have played better if the West Warks had their normal side out and still won? Maybe, it certainly wasn’t the easiest set of circumstances to play under but it couldn’t have been any fun for West Warks either. Looking down from the balcony where we were having the tea it’s hard to imagine how a success couldn’t be made of the set up at the West Warwick unfortunately it looks like unless another team loses its green and moves there we won’t be given the chance to play the green when it is in good condition.
Next Week the youngsters from Kings Norton pay a visit and the pub closes for another refit. At least after the kids come to play there won’t be any beer left behind, they will probably take the light fittings with them too
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